Waking Monsters

Stirring, I slowly drifted out of sleep, but my eyelids remained far too heavy to lift open. I groaned, contemplating if I could slip away from consciousness again, into the safety of slumber. The land of limbo upon waking stranded me between realities, as it did every morning, and I wrestled with the displacement while grasping for something to ground me.

I could see the metal footboard, and beyond it my closet doors. Above the closet, in a little alcove, sat the collection of miniature houses I once spent hours playing with, imagining myself in a beautiful, friendly community filled with the charm, adventure, and connection I was lacking in my reality at the time. That innocence, that drive for exploration, that untarnished heart of a young soul searching for new experiences… That child was from another lifetime.

I laid in my bed, unable to do more than lift my head. From the corner in which my mattress was placed, I had a clear view of my room. I stared through my plastic bead curtain, beyond the strings of bright yellow happy faces, to the door. It was open more than half way, allowing me to see the hallway beyond, up to the bathroom door. Watching, waiting… Was someone going to exit the bathroom? Was I alone in the house?

My chest feels heavy. Why can’t I move? Why do I feel afraid? What time is it and why does it feel as if I am in imminent danger? What is happening?!

I couldn’t turn my head, but my eyes looked to my left to confirm the presence of my white dresser next to my beloved stereo. To my right was my wall, plastered in photos of my friends and I at grad. Above that, a small wooden shelf housing my grade eight graduation certificate and awards. Beside that display was my window. Yes, everything was crystal clear and as it should be. All but one thing…

Me. As I strained to lift my head, I could feel my breasts sitting full upon my chest. Below them, my belly was soft and wide. It jiggled a little as I tried to move. This was not the body of a child. This was not my tiny 14 year old body, all tight, flat and narrow. This was a woman’s body, a mother’s body. Of course! I was the adult version of the girl who lived in this room; I was the phoenix that rescued the young girl trapped here.

If I was an adult, then I was not in that room at all. No, I was in a room shared with my husband, in a home that we owned, a home that housed our three children and a menagerie of animals. Wasn’t I?

My adult bedroom. My present bedroom. Why can’t I remember what it looks like?!

My brain was straining to recall any details of my actual environment, while my body remained paralyzed, with my eyes refusing to witness reality. Then I remembered. I remembered why I felt terrified. I remembered why I watched that bathroom door whilst holding my breath. I remembered HIM.

No, I have to snap out of this. I have to return to my present reality. I have to open my eyes before that monster comes to take me again!

Despite knowing I wasn’t actually in my childhood bedroom… Despite knowing he could not assault me in my present… Despite knowing I was stuck in a dream-like state… The fear gripped my soul, causing my heart to race and sweat to form.

Come on, think! What does your room look like?! Where are the windows?! What is to your left? Your right? Just remember something! Open your eyes, Nelle, open your eyes! Don’t let him take us again!

My monster came into view, at the foot of the bed, my legs spread on either side of him. His face was blurry, the image of him more of a dark silhouette. My eyes continued to dart back and forth, looking for the key to release me from my paralyzed state.

My window. Where was my current window? Grey curtains with shiny silver flowers; I remembered something! Now where were the curtains hanging?

Monster moved in closer, readying himself and reaching for me.

Window, window, window. Grey curtains. Grey night stand! And wardrobe! On my right was my nightstand, which sat below my window! The windows were in the same place.

Then, like ink being spilled across an empty canvas, the rest of my present room came into view. With the memory of my reality, the glue on my eyelids melted away and I could break free from the nightmare of reliving the assaults that took place in my childhood bedroom.

I was safe… Until the next time I closed my eyes, anyway. The Sleep Paralysis Demon would visit again, and again, but it was no match for me; I am experienced in battling monsters and I will no longer allow them to suck life from me.

So, Sleep Paralysis Demon, you may visit, but your visits will always be brief, for you have no more power than the monster that burned the safety of my childhood bedroom to the ground. I am a phoenix, rising from the ashes of that once-haven-turned-prison, and I am stronger than you could possibly imagine.

Watch me rise. Watch me fly free.